Stars without make-up for Nov. 2011

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 21 Nov. 2011

The low rent Examiner borrows a story idea from Star, one of its better funded AMI kennel mates, and devotes most of the cover to celebrity women not wearing make-up. Being the low rent Examiner, the list of course includes some older women, notably Barbara Walters and Katie Couric, but it also has several women less than 50 years of age, including Kate Hudson, Debra Messing and Edie Falco

Bundle of Joy Alerts: A boy for Kate, a girl for Victoria

Publication: OK!
Date: 25 July 2011

Victoria Beckham had a baby girl, named her Harper Seven. This is her fourth child.

While she and her husband David Beckham are handsome people, I never thought they were good at maths. Fortunately, the silly name is a middle name and can be kept under wraps while at school.

Kate Hudson had a baby boy. Gave him the relatively normal name of Ryder Russell.

Best wishes to all concerned.

Kate's pre-nup battle

Publication: Star
Date: 13 June 2011

Here's a problem in the gossip rags. Too many famous people sharing first names. Star goes with the headline "Kate's pre-nup battle". But which Kate?

It's Kate Hudson this time. It could have been Kate Middleton, but it would be too late to tell that story. It could have been Kate Gosselin, but she has been largely forgotten in 2011, though overall she is still the most popular Kate in the gossip world, at least since the beginning of 2010 in terms of solo stories.

Hussy alert: Kate Hudson stole my man while I was pregnant.

Publication: Star
Date: 23 May 2011

So Kate Hudson is a hussy, if we are to believe Star magazine.

The most recent hussy alert was for her mom Goldie Hawn, so the apple does not fall from the tree.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: Two famous women get engaged! No, not to each other.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 16 May 2011

It's been a slow week in the supermarket rags. I haven't been able to find a copy of this week's low rent Examiner anywhere, the Sun was completely lame as was the Weekly World News, and the number of stories about Wills'N'Kate pushed other gossip off the covers.

Also, we get two engagements of women who have nothing to do with each other lumped into a single story.

Kate and Kristin.

I know what you're asking? Kate who?

This time it's Kate Hudson, who has never, ever been important enough to be known just by her first name in the gossip world.

A year ago, Kate meant Kate Gosselin. Now, it means Kate Middleton. Tabloid headline writers, please take note.

And the other one is Kristin Cavallari. There are boatloads of Kristens and Kirstens and Kirsties in the gossip world right now. Technically, the only other Kristin with two "i"s is Kristin Davis of the Sex and the City series, but she has only had one mention in sixteen months, so Kristin Cavallari kinda sorta deserves the first name basis, since this is her sixth cover story.

Buns in the oven alert™: Celebrity beach baby bumps!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 2 May 2011

I have to give the Flagship some credit for making something new out of two types of stories that get done over and over in the supermarket gossip rags.

Celebrity women in swimsuits? Done all the time, all year long.
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Celebrity pregnancies? Hugely popular category, stories showing up more than once a week on average.

Pregnant celebrities in swimsuits? Okay, that's something different.

As usual with a cover that has multiple pictures, the Enquirer had a "Guess who?" picture, bu I refuse to guess or open the magazine for such nonsense. The women who were identified were a couple of newcomers to the supermarket gossip world, actress Selma Blair and Mel B. from The Spice Girls, and Kate Hudson, who has been on several covers before, both before her pregnancy and since.

Bells are Ringing Alert™:Reese Witherspoon's big day finally arrives.

Publications: People, OK!, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly
Date: 11 April 2011

Reese Witherspoon got married last month and her wedding ran the table on the nice half of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter. No magazines in the AMI kennel mentioned her happy day, but all five gossip rags that aren't connect to the Enquirer empire did. Here are the headlines.

• People: Reese's big day plans
• In Touch: Reese baby news
• Weekly Life & Style: Reese's wedding album
• OK!: Reese weds star studded ceremony
• Us Weekly: Reese's wedding
  A-list guests Gwyneth, Kate (Hudson), Scarlett, Renee (Zellweger)
  Their sweet vows, how she included Ava & Deacon
  Plans for a baby

None of the five mention the name of the groom, Jim Toth, but I expect if you are old enough to read this, you are old enough to know that weddings aren't really about grooms, are they?

Bun In The Oven Alert™: Mariah and Kate baby panic!

Publication: OK!
Date: 4 April 2011

OK! likes to go with short and vague headlines, and this one certainly qualifies. "Mariah and Kate baby panic!" is accompanied by pictures of the two women, both of whom are confirmed pregnant. If you want to know what the panic is, you'll just have to read it yourself while standing in the supermarket line.

If I were a suspicious person, I might think the mini-flurry of interest in Kate Hudson is hoping to get people who aren't paying close attention to buy the magazine hoping to get a story about Kate Middleton or maybe even Kate Gosselin. Both stories this week just use the first name "Kate", but they do include an identifying picture.

As I said, this might fool people who aren't paying close attention. As a math teacher, I know these people exist.

In numbers too big to ignore.

Bun In The Oven Alert™ and On The Rocks Alert: Kate Hudson's man is cheating on her.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 4 April 2011

Kate Hudson's pregnancy garnered a few cover stories in the supermarket rags back in late January and early February, but since then nothing. Now, In Touch says the unnamed baby daddy, rocker Matt Bellamy, is cheating on her.

Buns In The Oven Alert™:Weekly Life & Style goes crazy for the pregnant

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 14 February 2011

While Weekly Life & Style devoted most of their cover to saying two women who aren't currently pregnant will be (Khloe Kardashian and Katie Holmes), they also had stories about women who actually are pregnant right now. They had pictures of Natalie Portman, Kate Hudson and Mariah Carey, as well as the news that Mariah's twins are a boy and a girl.

Best wishes to all.

Bun In The Oven Alert™:Kate Hudson, pregnant and betrayed.

Publication: OK!
Date: 31 January 2011

OK! decided to put Khloe Kardashian and Kate Hudson together this week as being both pregnant and betrayed. I split it into two blog posts. Kate's father is planning to do a "tell all book" and Kate is fighting it.

Bun In The Oven Alert™:Kate Hudson pregnant

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 24 January 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Pregnancies and rumors of pregnancies are the stock in trade of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, and there are several this week. Kate Hudson's representatives have confirmed that the 31 year old actress is pregnant. The baby daddy is her boyfriend Matt Bellamy of the rock band Muse. This will be the second child for Kate, who has a seven year old son named Ryder from a previous relationship with Black Crowes lead singer Chris Robinson.

Best wishes to all concerned.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:Kate Hudson's abs

Publication: In Touch
Date: 14 June 2010

Say what you will about Kate Hudson's breasts.

Here's a hint. Most people saying what they will about Kate Hudson's breasts say "What breasts?"

But the girl has nice abs. I guess that has to count for something.

She's got a movie coming out, so this may be Planted Crap. But the movie is by Michael Winterbottom, a really good British director who does make the kind of movies the studios plant crap for, like 24 Hour Party People and Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story, so I think Kate was on the cover because In Touch had time to talk to her and it was a slow gossip week.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Kate Hudson and Cameron Diaz

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 25 May 2010

There have been a lot of "feuds" recently between people who barely know each other, but this one has a closer connection, and that connection is man slut Alex Rodriguez's penis.

A-Rod was dating Kate Hudson, but her breasts weren't big enough. He then dated Cameron Diaz, whose breast apparently ARE big enough.

Ms. Hudson has since had plastic surgery. She and Ms. Diaz are not on each others' Christmas card list. No one can blame them.