The bad pennies return: Emily's ordeal.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

The last we heard from the annoying couple Brad and Emily from The Bachelor was way back in July, when after it was clear she was through with him, Us Weekly published one more story saying he wanted her back. Now, the same magazine publishes the same basic facts in October, that he is still begging, and calls it "Emily's Ordeal".

I think it's time for Emily's lawyer to start a new story entitled "Brad's restraining order."

Problems With Plastic Alert: Vienna "hated her face"

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 15 August 2011



Vienna from The Bachelor show several seasons back hated her face, so she got a nose job. I don't watch the show, but from what I could gather, most people hated her personality more.

Love Bird Alert™:Bachelor Brad wants Emily back!

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 25 July 2011

The supermarket rags have lost interest in the current season of The Bachelorette, but they are still harping on Brad and Emily from earlier this year.

She dumped him. Read any of the mags. Dumped, dumped, dumped.

He wants her back.

Dude, what part of "ship has sailed" don't you understand?

Emily says "Make me Bachelorette!"

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 18 July 2011

Emily, the woman who accepted Bachelor Brad's on-air proposal only to dump him a few weeks later, wants to be the star of the next installment of The Bachelorette, where she gets to do the choosing.

Personally, I want her and all her ilk to be shipped to Monster Island where they can be chased and hopefully eaten by giant beasts from Japanese movies.

Sadly, her wish is much more likely to be granted than mine is.

Damn You Skinny (or Fat) Alert™:Best and worst winter beach bodies for early July 2011.

Publication: Star

Date: 11 July 2011



Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!



Star has yet another grab bag of women in swimsuits on the cover, some looking good, some not so good. Ignoring the "guess who?" pictures, here's the list.



They found a flattering picture of Kim Kardashian in a bikini. This is not that difficult.



They welcomed Christina Hendricks to gossip hell with a swimsuit picture that makes the Mad Men star look not only top heavy (d'uh!) but heavy as well.



Others in swimsuits include Ke$ha, Coco and Cameron Diaz.



They speculate on enboobenings on ex-Spice Girl Geri Haliwell and Vienna Girardi from The Bachelor.

People puts the last nail in the coffin of the Brad and Emily story. Or at least one can hope.

Publication: People
Date: 11 July 2011

The season of the Bachelor starring this guy Brad last aired in March, but it was still a prime story in the supermarket rags in April and May, then mercifully ignored in June. Now that the new season of the Bachelorette is airing, I thought we might go back to those happy days when "Brad" meant Brad Pitt, but no such luck. People felt the need to repeat what everyone was saying two months ago, that the fake romance on the fake TV show was just a sham and now it's over.

Here are the headlines.

• Why I left Brad
  Reeling from the split Emily Maynard reveals how their romance went so wrong, so fast
  Brad admits: "It's all my fault"

On the rocks alert: Emily gives the ring back.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style

Date: 6 June 2011

As a teacher, I understand the value of repetition in pedagogy, but this crap about the people on The Bachelor is getting ridiculous. For the past few weeks, it's been Weekly Life & Style that is entirely to blame, and there looks to be no chance for twists and turns. Emily said yes, then said no, and has been saying the same NO for weeks now.

Time to move on, Weekly Life & Style. You're the last kid on the playground and the fun has completely worn off.

Can we please make this the last Bachelor story?

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 30 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Let's get all the reality TV stuff out of the way early so we can get on to the actual trash about actual celebrities, shall we?

Here's a quote from Emily: "I never loved Brad."

Okay, that makes two of us. You just wanted the chance to be on TV while you are still young and cute. Got it.

NOW PLEASE GO AWAY!

The unending crap storm from Bachelor Brad and Emily.

Publications: OK!, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, Star
Date: 16 May 2011

I don't have a TV and I wouldn't watch this show if I did, so I had to go on Wikipedia to find out when this show ended.

Middle of March.

It's early May, and we get four different stories about these people and they don't agree at all. If I've learned one thing about the gossip rags in the last year and a half, it's that when they disagree, you can be sure the story isn't over yet.

Here are the headlines.

• OK!: Brad & Emily back together
• Star: Bachelor Brad's other woman spills his secrets to Star!
• In Touch: Emily's other man: Bachelor love triangle!
  
• Weekly Life & Style: Bachelor interview
  Brad's heartbreak
  Brad flies Emily to his hometown in a desperate attempt to save their relationship. "I still love her," he says. Inside their final days
  Exclusive photos their say goodbye

So, they are still together, but he's got another woman, she's got another man and they had a tearful goodbye.

Got all that? There is going to be a test later.

On the rocks alert: More Bachelor noise.

Publications: Weekly Life & Style, OK!
Date: 9 May 2011

After Teen Mom, the reality TV series the tabloids love the most that annoys me the most is The Bachelor. These romances almost never work out and we get rehashes of the debris for months and months after the show goes off the air.

Even Kendra Wilkinson doesn't bug me as much as these clowns.

Anyway, here are the headlines.

• OK!: Emily: Why I gave Brad his ring back
• Weekly Life & Style: How Brad betrayed Emily

Okay, okay. We get it. He's a heel and she's a flake. Let's move on, shall we?

On the rocks alert: Why Emily left Brad.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 2 May 2011

In March, it was week after endless week of crap about the pinhead pictured above. But in April, the stories dried up and the strong consensus was that it was over. Now Weekly Life & Style gives us confirmation of the split. Here is the paragraph length sub-headline.

Did he cheat? Inside the teary phone call where Emily told Brad she'll never marry him. "I don't want to go through heartbreak again."

I don't want to read a headline about these two pinheads again. I expect both Emily and I are bound to be disappointed.

All the Bachelor dish for 11 April.

Publications: Us Weekly, Star
Date: 11 April 2011

The Bachelor is off the air but the supermarket rags cannot get enough of Brad and Emily. Two completely different takes on the situation this week, one fairly pleasant from Us Weekly, the other much more nasty from Star.

• Us Weekly: Brad & Emily: yes, we'll make it
• Star: Fears for Emily: Pregnant and scared
  Brad's violent fury
  He doesn't want a baby

Obligatory Bachelor post.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 4 April 2011

This season of The Bachelor was over a few weeks back, but the stories go on and on. The supermarket rags had a rash of stories at season's end about how wonderful everything was for Bachelor Brad and Bachelorette Emily, and the week after that a new rash of stories broke out that all said it was in the dumpster where it belongs. The story is losing steam, since five magazines had the bad news for the couple on the covers last week, while only two are telling us about it this week. Here are the headlines.

• OK!: It's over
  They're still smiling for the cameras, but Emily has now dumped Brad for good
  Plus: Chantal's better off without Brad, too
  'I have a new sexier man'
• Weekly Life & Style: Bachelor Brad confirms it's over

I will be so happy when the day finally comes and any mention of "Brad" is the supermarket rags will only mean what it should mean, Brad Pitt.

On the rocks alert: All bad news for Bachelor Brad and Emily this week.

Publications: Star, People, OK!, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 28 March 2011

What a difference a week makes! There were three stories about The Bachelor last week, and it was all about the magic and having babies. This week, there are FIVE cover stories and they all say it's gone completely to crap.

Only the breakup of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel got more coverage, and they are honest to God movie stars.

Here are the headlines.

• People: Brad & Emily's drama (only in People)
  The Bachelor blowup!
  Brad: "This is no fairy tale"
  She got cold feet. He's fighting to keep her. And now they are thinking about a baby? The couple tell all.
• OK!: Bachelor Brad has cold feet
• Star: Bachelor Bombshell: Brad's big lie - why he'll never marry
• Weekly Life & Style: Exclusive: Bachelor split
• In Touch: Bachelor betrayed - The real story
  How the"good girl" duped Brad into staying with her while sneaking around behind his back!
  Emily's caught with another man

I love that there are five different accounts, two of them are "exclusives" and another is a bombshell.

This show always promises people will find true love. Recalling the immortal wisdom of Rocket J. Squirrel, "But that trick never works!"

This time for sure.

Love Bird Alert™: All The Bachelor stories thrown into a single lump.

Publications: OK!, Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 21 March 2011

I don't watch this miserable show and will do the absolute minimum of research when there's a cover story about it. There are three stories this week, and two include pictures of Bachelorettes without identifying them, like they are already super famous.

Screw that noise. They will be identified as the Blond and the Brunette. Here are the headlines.

• OK!: I'm ready to be a dad.
• Weekly Life & Style: A Baby for Brad (picture of Blond)
• Us Weekly: Bachelor Brad: Secrets of the proposal.
  What really happened on the final dates.
  Says Brad: "I just knew she was the one." (pictures of Blond and Brunette)

Eventually, like the mess in Wisconsin and the NFL labor dispute, this national nightmare will be over.

Two stories about Bachelor Brad

Publications: In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 14 March 2011

I'm not sure if I've brought it up before, but In Touch and Weekly Life & Style are owned by the same company, Bauer Publishing, a large German consortium. They are supposed to have different editorial policies, but they look very similar to me. This week, they both have stories about The Bachelor, one of the many reality TV shows I actively detest.

Weekly Life & Style's headline is simple: Exclusive! Bachelor breakdown.

Whether that means Brad is in a mental institution or they are just giving a recap of the season so far, the cover doesn't make it clear and if you really want to know, you'll have to open the magazine your own bad self.



In Touch, on the other hand, takes up most of the cover to let Bachelorette Emily have it with both barrels. She hasn't been mentioned on any previous covers, but it sounds like she is yet another run of the mill reality TV star.

Bachelor Brad betrayed!
Tricked by Emily's lies
Engagement to dead race car driver "fake"
A gold digger obsessed with fame
Her secret celebrity fling
Why proposing could be the BIGGEST mistake of his life

As the Bard so famously wrote, the course of true love never did smooth.
(Midsummer Night's Dream, Act 1, Scene 1)
That's the Bard, not the Brad.

Engagement details from Bachelor Brad

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 7 March 2011

Regular readers will know how much I dislike the stories about that silly show The Bachelor, but in general the gossip mags eat this stuff up. We are lead to believe Bachelor Brad is going to be engaged, but when you look at this show's track record for romantic success, it makes no sense to get excited about this drivel.

The only solace I have is that soon enough there will be a new season of the show and this particular dweeb will be yesterday's news.

Bachelor Brad's double life

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 21 February 2011

Heard enough about this cheeseball yet? No, you haven't according to The Only Ten Magazines That Matter.

Us Weekly has the scoop from Bachelor Brad's hometown girlfriend to whom he has already proposed, though it doesn't say on the cover whether she has said yes or not, a seemingly vital detail. The salacious tidbits include SHOCKING TEXTS, which is like absolutely necessary in a 21st Century sex scandal.

Dirty secrets from The Bachelor.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 7 February 2011

More news about this season of The Bachelor from The Only Ten Magazines That Matter this week. OK! discusses Bachelor Brad's criminal past and how he will prove he's a changed man. They also have pictures of five of the women and offer their fitness tips.

Weekly Life & Style says Brad's a heartbreaker and promise to tell what these people are hiding, including cheating, catfights and plastic surgery.

Weekly Life & Style also features two of the female contestants. According to the magazine, Bachelorette Chantal is still in love with her ex.

And from what I've read online, Bachelorette Michelle is the one bringing the crazy this season. It has come to light that she had an affair with basketball player Carlos Boozer a few years back which led to the dissolution of his marriage.

I'm sure there are more details inside the magazine and I'm also sure I don't want to know about them.

He fought the Law alert:Bachelor Brad's criminal past.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 31 January 2011

Who gives a rat's rectum about Bachelor Brad? So far, it's been OK! and Star that have supplied stories about him this year. OK! kinda likes him, Star kinda doesn't, if you count having someone say you have a rap sheet as not liking you.