Meanest story nominee: Kirstie cancer drama!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

If there is anyone new to this blog just stumbling upon this story, you should know that the AMI owned gossip rags hate fat Scientologists in general and Kirstie Alley in particular. More than this, the Flagship, my nickname for the Enquirer, has first dibs on hating her.  Here are this week's headlines.

• Kirstie cancer drama
• Heavy smoking is killing her

This is not the first time Kirstie has been marked for death in the tabloids.  She was given three years to live back in 2009 before this blog started. 

 

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Damn You Fat Alert™: Kirstie Alley packs the pounds back on.

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Longtime readers will know that there is no class of people the Enquirer hates more than fat Scientologists.  After her stint on Dancing With The Stars made her thinner, the Enquirer tells us she's porking out again, gaining 25 pounds in nine weeks, eating 4,500 calories a day.

As a fat person, those are disheartening numbers.  I've never gained weight that fast and 4,500 calories is a crazy number.

Celebrity hoarders!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

The Enquirer has had something of a brainstorm this week, figuring out how to turn tours of stars' homes into a negative story. In the same week when People had a standard fawning piece about the lovely places money can buy, the Flagship talks about celebrity hoarders, with a sub headline reading "Mansions filled with animals, old clothes, piles of junk & more!"

Kirstie Alley is mentioned. A year ago, the Enquirer said her house stinks because of all her pets.

And the other rich person to be mocked is Barbra Streisand. People did a story about touring her home last November, with no mention on the cover of stink or clutter.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: 9/11 mourners attack arrogant Kirstie Alley!

Publication: Globe
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

The Globe repeats a story that Kirstie Alley got on the wrong side of people at a September 11 tribute by demanding a helicopter ride entrance. There were restrictions on the air space and her request was denied.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Kirstie Alley 100 lbs. lighter.

Publications: People, Us Weekly, National Enquirer
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Kirstie Alley has lost a lot of weight recently and the supermarket rags like to see that. Here are the headlines.

• People: Kirstie Alley 100 lbs. gone
• Us Weekly: Kirstie drops 100 lbs.
• National Enquirer: Kirstie bulimia fears
  Amazing 100 lb. weight loss

And once again, the Enquirer shows how they stay at the top of the table in the race for Nastiest Gossip Rag in America.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Who hates who! Or is it "Who hates whom?"

Publication: Globe
Date: 12 Sept. 2011

The Globe has one of those general guessing games on the front cover this week, with six faces surrounding the headline "Who Hates Who! Shocking fights and nasty insults" Obviously, the Globe knows that correct grammar would just insult and confuse its readership, which skews older and more Southern, so it decides not to write "Who hates whom!" (Quick rule I learned in school. Re-write a sentence using "he" or "him". Translate "he" to "who" and "him" to "whom".)

The pictures include Angelina Jolie making a rare appearance on the Globe cover, Kate Middleton, Danica Patrick, Kirstie Alley, Hillary Clinton and Joan Rivers.

I'm not sure this is fair, because I think nearly everybody hates Joan and Angelina.

Damn You Fat Alert™:Kirstie Alley packs on the pounds.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 20 June 2011

The Enquirer never gets tired of mocking Kirstie Alley for her weight. This week, they say she has an eating disorder and claim she has gained 12 pounds since losing on Dancing With The Stars.

Dancing With The Stars rigged!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 6 June 2011

The Enquirer goes with a cover story saying Dancing With The Stars is rigged this season, and they put pictures of the finalists Kirstie Alley, Hines Ward and Chelsea Kane on the cover.

Here's the thing. They said the same thing two months ago and predicted the eventual winner would be Kirstie Alley or Kendra Wilkinson, two names well known to the readers of gossip rags.

Hines Ward won. He's not well known to the gossip world, but he's an athlete. Athletes do really well on this show.

This is exactly the type of story I had in mind when I started this blog, a time when the Enquirer expects that everyone has the attention span of a gnat and it will be ignored that their bold prediction of just two months ago was complete horseshit.

Guess what, Enquirer? I don't have the attention span of a gnat. I publish on the Internet, where nothing ever completely disappears down the memory hole.

The Enquirer prints lies, guesses and nonsense with astonishing regularity. This blog is here to catch the worst cases.

You're welcome. I'm glad to do it.

Stars without make-up: May 2011 edition.

Publication: Star
Date: 23 May 2011

Star has picutres of actresses, singers and models without make-up and almost all of them look not very good to downright awful. There was one "guess who?" picture of a model, but I don't play that game. The people identified are J. Lo, Teri Hatcher, Meg Ryan and Kirstie Alley.

Damn You Skinnier Alert™: Kirstie Alley lying about weight loss method.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 16 May 2011

The Flagship continues their crusade against fat Scientologists this week, calling Kirstie Alley a liar. Here are the headlines.

• Kirstie's Gastric Bypass Secret
• how she really lost 70 lbs.
• her weight loss lies exposed

Good for her for losing weight. It's not easy, I know. Bad on the Enquirer for never giving her even a moment's rest or credit.

Backstage gossip from Dancing With The Stars.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 2 May 2011

Last season, there were a boatload of Dancing With The Stars stories on the covers of the gossip rags, but it's been a little quiet this season so far. Here are the headlines from the story in Us Weekly.

• DWTS Meltdowns! Hookups! Feuds!
• Kendra - backstage tears
• Kirstie - control freak
• Chelsea - Dating LC's ex

The main characters that have been the targets of gossip have been Kendra and Kirstie, but a new name gets added this week, DisneyTeen™ Chelsea Kane. For people over the age of 25 (and for those under that age who actually have lives), LC is short for Lauren Conrad, a reality TV star.

You're welcome.

Damn You Skinnier Alert™: Kirstie Alley loses 30 pounds.

Publication: OK!
Date: 2 May 2011

Early this month, there was a rash of stories about Dancing With The Stars and the first story about Kirstie Alley that wasn't from the AMI kennel in over a year. Now OK!, the polar opposite the Enquirer and the rest of the jackals, reports that Kirstie has lost 30 pounds.

Good for her.

Meanest Story nominee: "I killed Kirstie Alley's mom!"

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 18 April 2011

For those new to the blog and to the tabloid universe in general, the National Enquirer and its parent company hate Scientologists in general, fat scientologists more than skinny ones and Kirstie Alley in particular. Since Kirstie is on Dancing With The Stars, the Flagship decided to pour a little salt in an old wound and found a woman who says she killed Kirstie Alley's mom, who died in an auto accident in 1981, which also seriously injured her dad. The sub-headlines include:

• all the shocking crime scene details
• begs Kirstie for forgiveness
  

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Annoying label bookkeeping #7

This is a link to the story below, made necessary by the number of labels.

Dancing With the Stars is rigged this season. Again.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 4 April 2011

Last season, the low rent Examiner printed a story about everyone's favorite open secret. They said Dancing With The Stars was fixed just because some fat 20 year old girl kept coming back every week when better dancers were sent home.

This season, it's The Flagship that's starting with the rumors early, saying that the winner will either be Kirstie Alley or Kendra Wilkinson.

I don't have a TV and have no intention of watching online, but I will point out that Kirstie and Kendra are the only stars on the show this season who have been mentioned in the tabloids at all in the past year.

Damn You Fat Alert™: 200 lb. Kirstie Alley collapses backstage at Dancing With The Stars.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 28 March 2011

Get ready for a new spate of Dancing With The Stars stories as the contest begins. This week, the Star tells us that everyone's least favorite fat Scientologist Kirstie Alley collapsed backstage during rehearsals.

I don't watch the show, but I see online that the first episode was last night. The only "stars" in the cast that have previous tabloid appearances are Ms. Alley and Kendra Wilkinson.

Damn You Fat Alert™:Kirstie Alley still weighs over 220 lbs.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 24 January 2011

The Flagship continues their War on Scientology attacking possibly the weakest link among the famous cult members, Kirstie Alley. According to the Enquirer, after a year of dieting Kirstie still weighs over 220 pounds, can't stop binge eating and is tormented by her weight.

I agree she's tormented, but I'd say the tormenter is the National Enquirer, wouldn't you?

You So Crazy Alert™:Kirstie Alley's house stinks!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 13 September 2010

Usually, the National Enquirer gives Kirstie Alley grief for being fat or crazy. This week, her fault is being a bad housekeeper.

According to the supermarket rag, Ms. Alley has 25 pets and the place reeks.

When you consider the Flagship also has nasty stories about John Travolta and Lise Marie Presley this week, you begin to wonder if the real reason for the animosity is because they are all Scientologists.

This is not a defense of Scientology. If I were king of the world, I'd ship both the Scientologists and the National Enquirer editorial staff off to Monster Island. I'd just be more honest about it.

Damn You Fat Alert™ and You So Crazy:Kirstie Alley breaks down

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 26 July 2010

This morning, the tabloids continued their obsession with Tori Spelling, an actress who doesn't work much who is way too skinny. This evening, it's another rarely working actress who gets a tabloid headline who is considered much too fat.

Kirstie Alley had a reality TV show, but it tanked. She has also recently been on a diet, but that isn't going well, either. According to the Examiner, she was heard to ask the possibly rhetorical question to the cosmos in general "Why does everyone hate me?"

Here's a hint, hon.

S C _ _ N T _ L _ G Y

You might want to buy a vowel.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Reba McIntire and Kirstie Alley

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 17 May 2010

According to the National Examiner, there is a catfight between Reba McIntire and Kirstie Alley.

Ooh, hold me back.

Personally, I think to have a catfight, two people have to be in actual physical proximity to one another. This was just Reba taking a shot at Kirstie Alley's weight at some awards show and Kirstie complaining on Twitter. This was a Twitter fight. Completely different animal from a catfight.

It's like the feud between Dog the Bounty Hunter and Dr. Phil. You can't have a feud if you have never actually been in the same room. I think we should make this a new rule.