All this week's Twilight related gossip.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

Lots more planted crap about the stars of Twilight this week.  Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: It's official!
  Secret wedding in England!
  Rob & Kristen Exclusive
  The dress, the dreamy venue & her shocking vow
• OK!:  Rob to Taylor
  Stay away from Kristen
• Weekly Life & Style: Inside Rob & Kristen's love nest

Planted crap: Twilight's sexy secrets.

Publication: People

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

People has some planted crap about Twilight now that the movie is out. It includes a picture of Rob and Kristen on the cover.

Since it's People, it has to be special planted crap, so they say it's "exclusive".

Meanest story nominee: Super stinky stars.

Publication: Star

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Star has a huge grab bag story dominating the front cover of dish from stylists. While none of it is very flattering, they have a small section of pictures of celebrities who smell bad. They include:

• Brad Pitt, who has B.O.
• Robert Pattinson, afficted with foot fungus
• rocker Lenny Kravitz,  also with bad body odor and
• Daren Kagasoff, who has bad breath

This is the first mention in the tabloids for Kravitz and Kagasoff. Kagasoff is the star of the Disney TV show The Secret Life of an American Teenager, but he does not get the label DisneyTeen, because he wasn't a teenager when principal photography began on the show back in 2008.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Love Bird Alert™: Rob wants to marry Kristen

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

Now that the latest installment of Twilight is out, the level of planted crap has to rise.

It's like a law of physics or something.

In any case, Rob want to marry Kristen, according to this headline.  Under my cynical hermit crab shell there is still a little bit of romantic that hopes this is true.  They look so cute in this picture.

Hairdresser Alert™: One of the Twilight hunks is gay!

Publication: Star

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

Now that the latest installment of the Twilight movies is out, expect the level of planted crap to rise.  Star has a mean streak even when it prints planted crap, and they say one of the young men in this picture (Kellan Lutz, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner) is coming out soon.  here are the headlines.

• Twilight hunk: I'm gay!
• Who will make the shocking announcement?

Not that it means a thing, but Kellan is the only one who hasn't had his name plastered all over the gossip rags famously squiring a lovely young thing.  Rob is still deeply in gossip mag love with Kristen Stewart (see story above, also planted crap), while Taylor Lautner was dating Taylor Swift a few boyfriends back.

Both or either of those could be smokescreens.  Just sayin'.

Planted crap: Stories about the Breaking Dawn stars.

Publications: Weekly Life & Style, OK!

Date: 21 Nov. 2011

The latest Twilight movie will be out soon and the gossip rags are printing stories in advance to keep the fans salivating.

From what I've heard, these fans have much more saliva than most.

Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Kristen: desperate to keep Rob
• OK!:  Breaking Dawn secrets!

On the Rocks alert: Rob & Kristen: Inside their tortured love

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

It's been nearly a half year since a Rob and Kristen story has been on the cover of an American gossip rag, but as the release of the latest film draws nigh, I expect there will be a few more over the coming weeks.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: Rob and Kirsten's Twilight wedding.

Publication: OK!
Date: 20 June 2011

Last year, OK! had a seriously delusional person writing their cover copy. Anything that was happening to the characters from Twilight was happening in the lives of the actors. It wasn't Edward and Bella getting married, it was Rob and Kristen. Now at least, they seem to understand the difference between the characters and actors.

On the rocks alert: Rob and Kristen split!

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 13 June 2011

Star magazine reports that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are no longer a couple. They say that cheating has torn them apart.

GossipCop.com calls bullshit on them, but this is nothing to sue over.

On the other hand, Angelina Jolie on heroin probably is something Star will get sued for, since they already lost cash calling Katie Holmes a pill popper.

Love Bird Alert™: Rob and Kristen living like newlyweds.

Publication: OK!
Date: 6 June 2011

OK!, the nicest of the gossip rags if not the most reliable, wants us to know the real life romance of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart is going along swimmingly.

If they break up some short while after the last of the Twilight movies becomes available on DVD, I for one will not be surprised.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: Wedding of the year from Twilight!

Publications: Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 9 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! There's a really big wedding coming up, but I can't for the life of me remember who is getting married.

Oh, that's right, it's Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart! Or is it Edward and Bella? In any case, here are the headlines.

• Us Weekly: Twilight honeymoon photos
• Weekly Life & Style: Rob & Kristen's secret honeymoon

You can see why I'm confused about whether it's the characters or the actors.

You know, the more I think about it, I don't think this is the big wedding this weekend. I know it will come to me eventually.

Rob Pattinson interview: On Kristen, Oscars and his worst day ever

Publication: OK!
Date: 14 March 2011

Just as the Globe tells us a bunch about their target demograhpic by having a story about NASCAR on the cover, OK! lets us know who reads OK! by having an exclusive interview with Robert Pattinson. The next Twilight release is many months away, but he does have a movie coming out next month co-starring Reese Witherspoon, Water for Elephants.

On the rocks alert: Kristen jealous of Rob's new co-star!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 21 February 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

The story so far. The gossip rags keep telling us Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are a couple in real life.

Kind of like Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens were supposed to be a couple as long as their movie franchise was hot.

But the course of true love never did run smooth, and now Kristen is jealous of Robert's co-star on a new project. I looked online for verification, but the Life & Style website doesn't have a search mode (lame) and "kristen stewart jealous" gives a bunch of links to 2009 when she was supposed to be jealous of Rob's co-star in Remember Me.

The story doesn't change much over time, does it?

Most Dishonest Story of the Week:Rob and Kristen's wedding and baby news

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 7 February 2011

So here's the first Twilight story of the new year, and once again we have a magazine confusing Rob and Kristen the actors with the characters they portray, Edward and Bella.

I don't think this is a big spoiler alert for the Twilight fans. Edward and Bella get married and have a baby. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are actors who may or may not be dating in real life. This one gets the prize for Most Dishonst Story of the Week.

Looking over the list of Most Dishonest winners in the past, all of the awards have gone to Weekly Life & Style or OK!, and most of those have been Twilight stories. The others have been separate headlines saying actresses Katie Holmes and Jennifer Aniston were pregnant when in fact they were playing characters who were pregnant.

Love Bird Alert™:How Rob seduces Kristen

Publication: OK!
Date: 20 December 2010

The headline writers at OK! are notoriously bad at telling fact from fiction. They have had the couple actually married several times this year and they did the same in 2009. Now at least, they tell a story that sounds like they are still courting, which is the official line publicists would like the fans of Twilight to believe.

Baby steps, guys. You are making great progress.

Planted Crap Alert:Secrets from Breaking Dawn

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 13 December 2010

This is the fourth straight week that stories about the filming of Breaking Dawn have been in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, a publicity push that seems oddly timed for a movie scheduled to open eleven months from now. The saturation marketing makes a little more sense when we take into account that Eclipse, most recently released movie in the series, is now available on DVD and would make lovely holiday gifts for the vampire obsessed fans on your shopping list.

Just trying to help.

Love Bird Alert™:Twilight's hottest love scene yet

Publication: OK!
Date: 6 December 2010

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

This story is a step up for OK!, who admit that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are actually actors in a movie playing love scenes. While other gossip rags report on their alleged off-screen romance, OK! has had stories this year that she was pregnant, they were going to get married and that they got married. All three of those have been denied.

Bells Done Rung™ Alert:Rob and Kristen JUST MARRIED

Publication: OK!
Date: 29 November 2010

I've already expressed my distaste for the magazines in the AMI kennel, notably the Enquirer, Globe, Examiner and Star, many times. They are mean and their headline writers have no regard for the truth. I'm starting to dislike OK! just as much. They are not mean. In fact, no other magazine prints as many positive headlines as OK! But their headline writers are just as guilty of lying as anyone who cashes a paycheck from AMI.

This week, OK! devotes most of the cover to the big news that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are JUST MARRIED! The details include the big event was in Brazil and the honeymoon was in Rio.

It's not true, not a word of it. I'm sorry if this is a spoiler for anyone, but that's actually part of the story of the movie series the two actors are best known for, Twilight.

This would be a good time to recall that OK! went with several stories about Jennifer Aniston being pregnant back early this summer, none of which were true, but she did have a movie coming out where her character got pregnant.

OK! is not the only gossip rag guilty of implying events that happen on screen to characters are actually happening to the actors themselves. Katie Holmes was playing Jackie Kennedy in a TV miniseries shot earlier this year that will air on the History Channel in 2011, and Weekly Life & Style made it sound like Katie was pregnant instead of her playing Jackie when she was pregnant. That story made me invent the Most Dishonest Story Of The Week label, which I am happy to give to this story of fake wedded bliss this week.

I really should trot out this label more often.

Love Bird Alert™:more Rob and Kristen stories

Publications: Us Weekly, Star
Date: 22 November 2010

I would be tempted to call these stories Planted Crap, but the next Twilight movie doesn't open for a year, so it isn't that. Even far away from the next movie's release, the gossip rags still want to let people know about the two love birds.

Us Weekly: Twilight Sexy New Love Scenes
Star: Rob and Kristen red hot in Rio

The supermarket mags' demographic skews older than the online gossip audience, so this is aimed more at Twilight moms than the teenage fans.

Bad Help Alert:Celebrity assistants tell all

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 6 September 2010

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

Who are the sources for trash about celebrities? Sometimes it's a bitter family member, but the Star tells us that the personal assistants are often the ones who can't keep their traps shut. This is one of those grab bag stories, where a bunch of pictures are shown on the cover and juicy gossip tidbits are thrown out, but if you want to know what person is connected to what tidbit, you have to buy the magazine.

As a point of honor, I refrain from buying the magazine.

Here are the mentioned celebrities in alphabetical order: Katie Holmes, Kourtney Kardashian and her baby Mason, Robert Pattinson, Tyler Perry, Tori Spelling, Britney Spears.

Here are the secrets in no particular order.

• Who sleeps with the help?
• Who manscapes?
• Who is a sext addict?
• Who makes calls on the toilet?
• Who has leaking implants?
• Who scores girls for staffer?

I have no idea what name goes with what salacious tidbit. My only hope is that Tyler Perry is not the one with the leaking implants.

P.S. My sister Jen, who has friends in the movie business, told me years ago she had it on good authority that a big headlining star had a young woman on set whose only job appeared to be Giving Special Service That Men Like. She got listed in the credits as "Assistant to _____ ______". Whenever I see one of those credits, I wonder exactly what that person did.

The star was Bruce Willis.