Cher's shocking breakdown over Chaz!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Most of the stories I read elsewhere talk about how much support Cher has given to Chaz Bono as he competes on Dancing With The Stars, but the Enquirer always has to pee in the punch bowl and given that, they have a cover story of a much nastier nature. Here are the headlines.

• Exclusive what you didn't see on DWTS
• She can't accept transgender son
• Cher's shocking breakdown over Chaz!
• Plus: Cher lashes out at 'Dancing' - vicious insults and nasty slurs

Stay classy, Enquirer.

Rich people are rich: Inside the homes of the stars!

Publication: People
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

People has an exclusive story touring the homes of several stars, including Simon Cowell, Lauren Conrad, Cher and more.

Not Long 4 This World Alert: Chaz Bono's life in danger!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 15 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays!

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been... oh hell, who am I kidding? I was raised agnostic and I've NEVER been to confession.

But I did sin. I opened one of these damned magazines.

To me, "life in danger" isn't exactly "Brave Last Days", and even though the Flagship also wrote "Cher fights to save him", I had to see what the big damn deal was.

Chaz is getting hitched and wants to diet for the wedding.

As a fat person, I say good for him.

The Enquirer says he is putting his life at risk by going on a 2,000 calorie a day diet.

Aww, hellz no, as we say in Oaktown.

1,500 calories a day, that's dicey. 900 calories a day? That what the Germans fed Jewish prisoners who they wanted to keep alive just long enough to build the V-2 rocket sites.

Extremely bad idea.

But 2,000 calories is completely within the normal scale. I am giving it a Not Long 4 This World label because they used the word "deadly" in the article, but I'm still calling bullshit on this story.

You want to lose weight for your wedding, Chaz? Good idea. You have to look at those pictures forever.

Best wishes to all concerned.

Problems With Plastic Alert™: Plastic surgery shockers!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 13 June 2011

The Enquirer once again smacks women around for the sin of getting old and blames plastic surgeons. The targets this time around are Cher, Goldie Hawn, Courtney Love, Lara Flynn Boyle, Tina Louise and Maria Shriver. There were also three "Guess who?" sets of boobs, but that would mean opening the magazine.

As much as I like boobs, it wasn't temptation enough.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Cher collapses after Chaz releases tell-all book.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 23 May 2011

The Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids really don't like Cher very much, and they aren't crazy about her son Chaz either. Supposedly, the diva has collapsed due to things written in Chaz's tell all book.

I don't believe it. Collapsing over the critical reception for Burlesque, that I could believe.