New rules for 2011:Less censorship of the real gossip rags

When I started this blog a year ago, I was only going to report on stories in the supermarket rags that could be verified, like predictions of births, deaths, weddings, divorces break-ups, and of course, the end of the world. That changed over the months, but I made an editorial decision that I wasn't going to report on people who weren't really celebrities, which meant I was going to leave reality TV shows alone. I made mistakes, not knowing that The Hills was considered reality and not scripted and not realizing that interest in the Kardashians and Kendra was completely dependent on their basic cable TV shows. If I knew someone was on a cover solely because of reality TV, like the Real Housewives and Teen Mom and most especially Jersey Shore, I did not report on it here.

The blog has grown and so has my tolerance. As of this week, I will report on every story that mentions a person on the cover of every magazine, except one.


The Sun and its little black and white symbiont the Weekly World News don't often report on celebrities. The Sun predicts the end of the world and other prophecies. My original rules will still apply. If they put a specific prophecy with an actual date, I will print what is on the cover. For example, if this were a recent cover instead of three years old, I would report on the two miracles predicted for Easter Sunday, but I would not open the rag up to find out what the other five predictions are. And of course, the day after Easter I would have a post saying whether they came true or not. Also, a prophecy with a year instead of an exact date counts as verifiable.

They often have ads for their sweepstakes on the cover of the Sun, as does the low rent Examiner and sometimes the Globe. I will not report these.

The rules for the Weekly World News are different. They have to make me chuckle a little.

So in brief, now that the readership of the blog has grown so dramatically, and thanks to all my readers for that, I'm going to stop acting like I know what's good for you and let you have all the mental junk food you want in terms of reality TV gossip. Of course, I don't want to hear you complain, "I like Real Housewives of Moose Jaw but I hate that Middle School Day Care show." You will get it all, like it or not.

The Line In The Sand:What I will not report

This week's tabloid headlines are slim pickings. Usually, there are enough stories for four updates a day and sometimes more, but this week it looks like a little more than three a day will get us through, not counting stories that might happen that scoop the tabs. Part of the reason is a lot of duplication of stories. The other reason is there are a lot of stories about this incredibly stupid show with the rose that I will not even name.

These people aren't celebrities and they never will be and I don't give a rat's ass if he's no good for her or she's no good for him or it's a match made in heaven. Unless one of these people does something truly newsworthy, like curing cancer or going on an interstate crime spree, their names will not be linked to a Love Bird Alert or an On The Rocks Alert or a You So Crazy Alert or even an Enboobening Alert.

There's been a lot of mission creep on this blog in the nine weeks it has been in existence, but this is a line I will not cross.

Close Shave Alert™: Al-Qaeda almost kills Bill Clinton

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 25 Jan. 2010

The new tabloids are starting to show up at my local spots, but I've started teaching again and my schedule is such that it will be easier to start reporting new stuff on Fridays. But just to keep my hand in, I've created a new category called the Close Shave Alert™. Unlike the original rules for categories, there is no way to test if these are right or wrong, but from what I've seen so far, this is a type of story the tabs love to put on the cover.

According to the National Examiner, a plot on Bill Clinton's life missed by a matter of minutes and was thwarted by some brave anonymous Jack Bauer type guy in the Secret Service. Of course, you might think an attempt on the life of a former president would be the kind of story that would be reported in The New York Times or on the TV, but if you really want people to know about it, of course you leak it to the National Examiner first.

And now you know the rest of the story.

You're welcome.

Bells Done Rung™: Vince Vaughn and Kyla Weber

Publication: Huffington Post
Date: 05 Jan. 2010

Vince Vaughn, an actor whose name has been romantically linked to several of his co-stars, was engaged last May to Kyla Weber, a real estate agent born in Canada. According to his publicist, the couple got married this weekend in an honest to God "quiet ceremony".

While the wedding itself was in the regular press before it hit the tabloids, hence the new label of Bells Done Rung™, Us Weekly broke the news of the engagement last spring, so the wedding gives them a confirmation, the first so far.

New Rule: Skeeter Davis Alert™

Here's another tabloid category I can check on. The end of the world! I could choose R.E.M. or Prince or many other singers to give the name to the category, but here's Miss Skeeter Davis being straight up country and not even a little bit crossover singing her great hit End of the World on some old hillbilly music show.

Matty Boy, did you choose Miss Skeeter over Michael Stipe or The Purple One because of her wonderful hair?

Hypothetical question asker, you know me too well.

So anyway, whenever one of the tabloids predicts the End Times, I'll be sure to mark it down here at It's News 2 Them™, giving the name of the publication, the date of the prediction and the date of the publication.

Expect a lot of these to be in the Sun, which has taken over from the dearly departed Weekly World News as the tabloid of record for crazy ass prophecy. Unlike WWN, the Sun is published in color, which I guess is a point in its favor, but it will never tell you about the life and times of Bat Boy or the alien that endorses presidential candidates. Dang, I miss those guys!

Welcome to the blog

Okay, here's how it works. I'll be checking out the tabloids each week as I go to the supermarket, and I'll report on several types of items, all of which can be checked for veracity later.

1) Brave Last Days alerts. Whenever a celebrity is given only a little while to live in the tabloids, I will report on it and give the source.

2) Not Long 4 This World alerts.
Slightly different from Brave Last Days, this is a prediction with a length of six months to a few years instead of a few days to a few weeks.

3) On The Rocks alerts.
Whenever a celebrity couple is predicted to be breaking up in the tabloids, I will report on it and gve the source.

4) Bun In The Oven Alert™.
Any report of a celebrity pregnancy will be considered rumor until confirmed by the celebrity or the birth takes place, whichever comes first.

5) Bells Are Ringing Alert™.
Pending nuptials.

6) Skeeter Davis Alert™.
The end of the world is given a specific date.

7) Leaving the Love Boat™.
If the story of a celebrity divorce is in the mainstream press before it's in the tabloids, this is a black mark against them.

8) Gone Before They Knew It™.
If a major celebrity or a young celebrity dies and there was no heads up in the tabloids first, this also counts against the tabloid industry. The death of Brittany Murphy is a prime example of this, but it happened before New Years 2010, so it is not counted against them. There will be polls for the readers to determine if a celebrity was big enough to warrant a Brave Last Days Alert or Not Long 4 This World Alert.

9) On The Rocks updates.
If a story of a celebrity couple in trouble was in the mainstream press before it hit the tabs, any prediction of a divorce only gets partial credit.

10) Enboobening Alert™
Sometimes a celebrity will admit to breast enhancement, sometimes the tab just speculate because a celebrity looks more zaftig.

11) He Fought The Law Alert™
If someone gets arrested, whether the report is in the tabs or the real press, it will get a play here. I realize the title is sexist, but if we run into a lot of female arrests, we will change the category name.

There will also be the reports of actual celebrity deaths and actual celebrity breakups. I will mark when the tabloids get it right and when they get it wrong and when they miss a story they should have caught. I'm going to start fresh with the 2010 editions of the tabs, though I will try to do some back research if a celebrity dies or a couple breaks up that had been predicted previously. For instance, the current "Not Long 4 This World" list would include Dick Clark, Kirstie Alley and Oprah Winfrey, and the "On The Rocks" list always includes BrAngelina and TomKat.

Matty Boy, is this just you being obsessive-compulsive about numbers again?

Yes, hypothetical question asker, it is. And I'm glad to have you on board for the new blog.