Four prophecies for 2011!

Publication: Sun
Date: 20 June 2011

The Sun gives us four prophecies for 2011, but none of them involve the End of the World or even so much as a plague or terrorist attack. Still, they have expiration dates, so they can be tested for accuracy.

Hillary Clinton is going to announce a run for the presidency.

Miss Betty White will buy a baseball team and they will win the World Series.

NASA files reveal why JFK really died.

(Did the shot come from outer space?)

And a weeping statue predicts Billy Graham's last days.

By the end of the year, I will report back on all these predictions.

Meanest Story nominee: Billy Graham goes home to die.

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 6 June 2011

The low rent Examiner tries to kill off evangelist Billy Graham one more time. The 92 year old preacher was hospitalized this month, but he recovered and was sent home. The most despicable and desperate gossip rag says it was only done so he could die in the comfort of his home and he will die "within weeks".

It should be noted that the low rent Examiner had Graham's "final wish" back in May 2010 and his final message to America back just before Christmas. Usually, I would think a recently hospitalized 92 year old probably is getting close to the end, but when you realize he is both young and in better condition than Zsa Zsa Gabor.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Billy Graham fought demons... and won!

Publication: Sun
Date: 18 April 2011

The Sun had its usual fare on the cover this week. You know, end of the world just around the corner, in fact just "weeks away". But, that's not a testable date, so I'm not broadcasting that story.

They did have a headline they called a "last days shocker" that Billy Graham claims to have fought demons... and won!

If that's goofy Christian code talk for saying he's cut his son Franklin out of his will, well... that would truly be a blessing.

'Cos that mofo is crazy.

What George W. Bush confessed to Billy Graham!

Publication: Globe
Date: 17 January 2011

The Globe reports on a true story, that George W. Bush and Billy Graham had a meeting recently, and then promises to reveal the secret confession of the former president to the aging evangelist of his greatest sin.

I don't know what he told Billy Graham, but I expect Bush doesn't even know his greatest sins. His greatest sins were starting two wars he did not know how to finish, costing thousands of American lives and trillions of American dollars, promising to keep southwest Asia in misery and chaos for decades to come. He thinks those were two bold and victorious decisions.

Not Long 4 This World Alert:Billy Graham's final message for America

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 27 December 2010

Way back in May, the low rent Examiner had Billy Graham's final wish as a headline. Well, it's December now and old Billy has celebrated yet another birthday (turned 92 in November), but now he has a final message for America.

I get the feeling old Billy has a bunch of "final this" and "final that" left in him before something is actually final.

Just sayin'.

Prophecy Alert™:Stuff that will happen before New Year's Day!(Don't count on it).

Publication: Sun
Date: 6 December 2010

It would be presumptuous of me to think the editors of the Sun have even seen this blog in the eleven months it has existed, but I made some rules about when I would post stuff they published in their completely fictitious magazine and I'll be damned if they didn't follow those rules this week.

If they make a prediction about the future AND IT INCLUDES A DATE, I will publish it and keep track. If they just say the world is going to end of the End Times are already here, no dice.

On this Thanksgiving day, their cover is full of stories they say will happen by New Years, less than six weeks away.

Fun! Let's go!


The most interesting and least likely story is that Prince William will visit the White House this year as King. This would entail his grandma dying or abdicating and his dad getting the bum's rush.

That's a lotta stuff to happen in five weeks.


Oprah Winfrey will marry before New Year's Day.

Not announce an engagement. Marry.

And it won't be Stedman.

Since when did she get so antsy? If she's gonna get hitched, wouldn't she throw a Wills'N'Kate sized wingding?


Hillary Clinton will divorce Bill before New Year's Day.

Hmm, that's sounds familiar.


And last but also least, Billy Graham will reveal God's plan for mankind before the ball drops in Times Square.

I say this is least because the Sun actually already made this prophecy that Billy would tell us this by Thanksgiving.

You know... today.

They also said Hillary would divorce Bill by now. I'll be posting a single story of all the failed Turkey Day prophecies later.

I guess I could be nice and say the Sun believes in recycling, but I think it's just a sign of cutbacks over at the completely forgotten relative in the AMI kennel.

Skeeter Davis Alert™ and more!:Three bold predictions before Turkey Day

Publication: Sun
Date: 13 Sept. 2010

It pays to have standards. I have made it clear to the Sun that I will tell folks what is on the cover of their dirt cheap, completely made-up rag IF THEY GIVE SPECIFIC DATES for the end of the world or other prophecies.

This week, they did just that, promising 100 prophecies that will come true before Turkey Day, three whoppers put on the front cover.



Pope Benedict, the guy who looks like a Mafia don but is really a Nazi, will reveal the end of the world before the kickoff of Dallas Cowboys-New Orleans Saints on Thanksgiving.

Now, I don't mean RIGHT before. It's not part of the pre-game show. It's just supposed to happen before Thanksgiving.

You get the idea.



Billy Graham will let us know an angel has exposed God's plan for peace.

I hope it involves sticking a sock in the mouth of Billy's idiot son Franklin.



And last but not least... okay, maybe least, Hillary Clinton will finally file for divorce from Bill.

Hill! Hon! It's the end of the world! Let the Big Dog hunt! It's not like he's got anything better to do.

Not Long 4 This World:Billy Graham's Last Wish

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 17 May 2010

The Examiner does not directly use the word "dying" or the code words "last days", but they do talk about Billy Graham's "last wish", which I think counts as saying that he's Not Long 4 This World. I haven't heard that he is particularly ill, but he is 91.

As a quibble, wouldn't Graham put a "wish" in the form of a prayer?

I usually end these announcements with best wishes for the friends and family of the person put on the list. I'll let them do the wishing. After all, that's what most of them do for a living, and I'm just an amateur with very little love in my heart for this old grease weasel.