Kick a corpse why don'tcha? Who really killed JFK!

Publication: Globe

Date: 5 Nov. 2011

The headline in the Globe reads 

 

"Secret tapes reveal: Who really killed JFK!
- and it wasn't Oswald!

48 years after the fact and they can still sell magazines with conspiracy stories.  It says something about the deep trust Americans have in the institutions of authority.

Kick several corpses, why don'tcha? The Jackie tapes, both real and imaginary.

Publications: People, National Examiner
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The top and the bottom of the supermarket gossip food chain have cover stories about the Jackie Kennedy Onassis tapes that have been released.

Let's start with the headlines on People.

• Jackie's secret life
• New revelations, new questions
• Fifty years after the White House, the iconic First Lady still fascinates. A look at her life, her loves, her private pain and her enduring style

And then there's the low rent Examiner with the alleged inside scoop.

• Secret Jackie O tapes
• What wasn't allowed on TV
• Plan to make John Jr. president
• Who really killed JFK!
• White House affairs - his and hers!
  

Skeeter Davis Alert™: The hidden prophecies of... JFK?!?

Publication: Sun

Date: 12 Sept. 2011



Fresh trash on Thursdays! The Sun has been known to make up prophets, like Gordon Elk L'Suk, or claim that someone made prophecies who didn't, like Mother Teresa. Now they are claiming that John F. Kennedy was clairvoyant, and his prophecies include a date in the near future. Here are the headlines.

• Predicts his exact assassination date
• Warns Jackie: don't marry Onassis
• China to attack U.S. in 2012
  
  

Well, it's wacky, but it does have a date in the foreseeable future. There have been cyber-attacks that people have claimed have come from governments, but I'm going to say JFK wouldn't know about that, and for this prophecy to be true we need an actual physical assault on American soil, American troops or American property.

Meanest story nominee: Yet another premature story about the Jackie O tapes.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 8 August 2011

Okay, let's get the facts out of the way first. There are tapes of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis that have not been released to the public. According to reliable sources, Caroline Kennedy will authorize their release this September.

Now we are expected to believe the low rent Examiner has a source that will tell us what's on them. They promise a look inside her "shattered life" and the secret of who was really behind the assassination of JFK.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Trashing Miss Elizabeth Taylor one more time.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 4 July 2011

The low rent Examiner, very fond of Hey Old Timer Gossip, drags the names of four dead people through the mud this week, though the main target of the mudslinging is Miss Elizabeth Taylor, the freshest of the corpses they decided to kick.

First, they say Miss Taylor had a steamy affair with John F. Kennedy.

I'm not completely buying this. Miss Taylor was definitely an "if you like it then you should have put a ring on it" kind of gal.

They also peddle the story that she had a war with Grace Kelly over Prince Rainier.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Four prophecies for 2011!

Publication: Sun
Date: 20 June 2011

The Sun gives us four prophecies for 2011, but none of them involve the End of the World or even so much as a plague or terrorist attack. Still, they have expiration dates, so they can be tested for accuracy.

Hillary Clinton is going to announce a run for the presidency.

Miss Betty White will buy a baseball team and they will win the World Series.

NASA files reveal why JFK really died.

(Did the shot come from outer space?)

And a weeping statue predicts Billy Graham's last days.

By the end of the year, I will report back on all these predictions.

Meanest Story nominee: JFK Jr. murdered by same killers as his father!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 2 May 2011

The low rent Examiner presents us with a conspiracy theory I've never heard before, claiming that John F. Kennedy Jr.'s plane crash was not an accident and that it was engineered by the same people who killed his father. The sub-headline reads "Plane sabotaged to hide the truth!"

Without question, this yarn should only be attempted by people who have a degree in advanced corpse kicking.

This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha? Who killed JFK?

Publication: Sun
Date: 25 April 2011

Things are topsy turvy on the cover of the Sun this week. It was the Weekly World News that had a story about the End of the World, which is usually the exclusive property of the Sun itself, while the Sun had a headline about who killed JFK (as usual, not Lee Harvey Oswald, because how would that be news?).

JFK stories are usually in the Globe or the low rent Examiner, the major suppliers of Hey Old Timer Gossip, which I count as stories about people famous before I graduated high school back in the early 1970s.

Go figure.

Kick a FRESH corpse, why don'tcha? Miss Elizabeth Taylor's secret diaries.

Publication: Globe
Date: 11 April 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Today is reserved for the cover stories in the supermarket rags about Miss Elizabeth Taylor, who died a week ago Wednesday. The Globe says they have their hands on Miss Taylor's secret diaries. They promise 20 pages of coverage inside, and put these teaser headlines on the cover.

• Marilyn Monroe seduced her
• two husbands beat her
• her steamy tryst with JFK
• Deathbed scene, last photo, final words
  

Best wishes to the family and friends of Miss Elizabeth Taylor, from a fan.

Weekly World News alert:J.F.K. alive and seen in Iran!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 14 February 2011

For those who read this blog who do not understand the allure of the Weekly World News, they promise a more magical world. Bigfoot lives, aliens exist, dead celebrities are alive.

Bat Boy, for pity's sake. They invented Bat Boy.

But lately, instead of just throwing these now predictable curve balls, they have developed a slider and a screwball, maybe even a knuckle curve or a split finger. Recently, they had Charles Manson healing the sick. Usually, miracles are performed by the beloved dead, not the despised living. This week, John F. Kennedy is still alive, but for some unknown reason he is meeting with the hated Iranian leader Ahmedinijad.

This headline gets Weirdest Story of the Week.

Hey Old Timer Gossip:Jackie Kennedy's secret tapes revealed.

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 January 2011

The Globe says they have secret tapes of Jackie Kennedy revealed by her daughter Caroline. In them, she says who killed J.F.K. and she talks about how heartbroken she was over his affair with Marilyn Monroe.

The tapes actually exist and Caroline Kennedy has decided to release them on the 50th anniversary of her father's inauguration. We will see how juicy they are soon enough.

Kick several corpses, why don'tcha?JFK's killer's coffin for sale!

Publication: Globe
Date: 20 December 2010

Talk about Hey Old Timer Gossip! The Globe tells us you can buy Lee Harvey Oswald's coffin, though they add "Body not included".

The story is true. Oswald was buried and exhumed, then buried in a different coffin, and the original box is now for sale at a Los Angeles auction house. If you collect rare coffins, this could be the prize of your collection.

Meanest Story nominee:The Examiner goes on a corpse kicking spree

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 13 September 2010

This week, the low rent Examiner puts all it Hey Old Timer Gossip eggs in one basket and rips a few juicy tidbits about a bunch of famous folks all of whom are dead from a book that they allege is soon to be published. Here's what they decided to put on the cover.

• JFK and Audrey Hepburn were lovers
• June Allyson slept with two presidents
• Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn had a gay scandal

And so the Examiner earns another Meanest Story nomination for yet another week.

Kick several corpses, why don'tcha?Jackie O secret tapes reveal who was behind JFK killing

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 28 June 2010

The Examiner wins the Hey Old Timer Gossip derby this week by have two stories in that category, the one about Anne Francis and this one about Jackie O keeping secrets about the JFK assassination.

As we know, being dead does not immediately disqualify people as being cover fodder for the tabloids, so it's a little unusual that the year is half gone and this is the first mention of Jackie in the tabs this year.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha?Letters from J.F.K.'s secret mistress

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 3 May 2010

The Examiner goes big in the race for Hey Old Timer Gossip by once again exhuming the corpse of John Fitzgerald Kennedy to remind us that he had lots of sex with women he didn't marry. Letters from a secret mistress have been revealed a mere 47 years after the man died.

Let me say this. His daddy may have been a gangster, he may have been from new money, he may not have been the most effective president of the 20th Century, but the man did know how to dress.