On the rocks alert: Caroline Kennedy saves Maria Shriver from divorce hell!

Publication: Globe
Date: 22 August 2011

In June, it looked like the Arnold and Maria split might have legs, but here we are in mid-August and the story has been ignored. One theory for this is that he's too powerful and the magazines are trying not to piss him off. Another theory would be that the story is less interesting because Maria is not a young woman capable of maternity. A third would be that none of the gossip rags has a source near enough to the couple that will dig up fresh dirt.

In any case, the Globe goes with a story that includes Caroline Kennedy coming to cousin Maria's rescue. Here are the headlines.

• Caroline Kennedy's revenge on cheating Arnold!
• She rescues cousin Maria from divorce hell!
  

Meanest story nominee: Yet another premature story about the Jackie O tapes.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 8 August 2011

Okay, let's get the facts out of the way first. There are tapes of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis that have not been released to the public. According to reliable sources, Caroline Kennedy will authorize their release this September.

Now we are expected to believe the low rent Examiner has a source that will tell us what's on them. They promise a look inside her "shattered life" and the secret of who was really behind the assassination of JFK.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

He fought the Law alert:Kennedy family stalker

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 7 February 2011

The low rent Examiner gets another story right, and they give it a Hey Old Timer Gossip slant to keep their demographic interested. The headline reads "Jackie's granddaughter has a stalker!", because the name Tatianna Schlossberg just won't sell newspapers. They did not include a picture of young Tatianna, but they did have the name and photo of Naeem Ahmed, whose obviously Arabic name makes him even scarier. He has been in custody since early December awaiting psychiatric evaluation.

Hey Old Timer Gossip:Jackie Kennedy's secret tapes revealed.

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 January 2011

The Globe says they have secret tapes of Jackie Kennedy revealed by her daughter Caroline. In them, she says who killed J.F.K. and she talks about how heartbroken she was over his affair with Marilyn Monroe.

The tapes actually exist and Caroline Kennedy has decided to release them on the 50th anniversary of her father's inauguration. We will see how juicy they are soon enough.