Bells are Ringing Alert™:Royal Dream Wedding

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 18 October 2010

There is no official news yet, but that has never stopped The Only Ten Magazines That Matter from speculation. Weekly Life & Style has a cover story about the pending wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Besides the lavishness, the article claims to know who will be invited. On principle, I do not open up the magazines, but I do scan the front page of the respective websites. Among the alleged guests are Michelle Obama, Diddy, Elton John and Rod Stewart. Among those whose invitation must have been lost in the mail is Sarah Ferguson.

Demon Rum Alert™:Rehab for suicidal Fergie

Publication: Globe
Date: 21 June 2010

The Globe and the Examiner are the two main sources for nasty stories about the Windsors and anyone who might have ever married a Windsor, no matter how short a time that charade might have lasted. This week it's the Globe's turn with a story about how Sarah Ferguson is suicidal and going into rehab for booze.

A headline that calls someone suicidal counts as a Not Long 4 This World addition. While the chance the prediction comes true is unlikely, the situation with Larry King's wife from late last month reminds us that it is possible. (Note: no tabloid called Shawn King suicidal before her overdose.)

Sarah Ferguson slept with rich men for cash.

Publication: Globe
Date: 14 June 2010

Two stories about the royals this Saturday night, or actual past and future royals. The Globe wants us to know that besides selling access to her ex-husband, Sarah Ferguson slept with oil tycoons for cash.

And just when I thought I couldn't possibly think any less of oil tycoons. I know the old saying about a fool and his money, but this is just throwing money away.

Blown Fortune Alert™:Sarah Ferguson Royal Money Scandal

Publication: People
Date: 7 June 2010

It used to be that royal weddings could mean the difference between war and peace on the European continent. But now that the British monarchy is the only one that anybody takes seriously, it's just a very large money making scam primarily funded by the British taxpayers. Instead of war with Holland or Spain or France, the worst thing that can happen is a royal marries some bimbo and she can't keep her yap shut.

Sound like anyone we know?

Sarah Ferguson is on the Apology Tour after being caught on tape for asking for half a million pounds sterling from the British tabs for access to her ex-husband Prince Andrew.

People want access to Prince Andrew? I thought he was like the Spice Girls or Duran Duran, one of those British people we aren't required to waste brain cells remembering anymore.

In any case, the Apology Tour has two big stops in the United States, go on Oprah (she's done that) and to explain herself in People.

Mission accomplished.