Bells Are Ringing™ alert: Halle Berry to wed for the third time.

Publication: Star

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow!  Last trash of the week... right now!

 

Star has an exclusive story that Halle Berry is going to get married for the third time.  Her groom is not mentioned.

This gives me an excuse to put this picture of her up again.

Which I like.

'Cos she's purdy.

On the rocks alert: Halle's custody battle turns violent.

Publication: Star
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

The supermarket rags leave Halle Berry alone for the most part. The last time she was mentioned was when her ex Gabriel Aubry was romantically linked with Kim Kardashian for about a minute and a half earlier this year. Now there are "secret court papers" saying that her custody battle has grown violent.

Whatever excuse I get for using this picture of her, I don't mind.

'Cos she's purdy.

You So Crazy Alert™ :The supermarket rags gang up on Halle Berry.

Publications: Star, In Touch, Us Weekly
Date: 21 February 2011

The custody battle between Halle Berry and Gabriel Audry has turned very nasty indeed, and three different gossip rags have decided this week the nastiness is Halle's fault. Here are the headlines.

• Us Weekly: Halle's Twisted Revenge
• Star: Halle's smear campaign against Gabriel and Kim (Kardashian)
• In Touch: Halle's Dark Secrets

For the record, Gabriel Aubry is at least one boyfriend ago in the Kardashian dating history. Halle was quoted as saying she didn't want her daughter spending time with some reality TV star who made a sex tape, which is a mean but accurate way to describe Kim.

On the rocks alert:Halle Berry's battle for her baby.

Publication: People
Date: 14 February 2011

The break-up of Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry was huge news last spring, but now that the divorce case is making the courts it's becoming serious gossip fodder again. The custody battle over their two year old daughter Nahla is turning very nasty and People has the details almost entirely from Halle's perspective. The sub-headline reads as follows.

• Screaming fights and ugly accusations
• The star and her ex launch a custody war over daughter Nahla

Sometimes even the lives of very, very pretty people turn ugly.

People's 2010 Year In Review

Publication: People
Date: 27 December 2010

People has their double-sized year end issue on the stands with five stories, all with brief headlines.

They named Sandra Bullock Woman of the Year. In the gossip rags, she is hands down the best choice.

Like any year end review issue, there are tributes to people who died. They put Elizabeth Edwards on the cover, again an obvious choice.

There's a story about hottest dresses, and they use a picture of Halle Berry as the prototypical example here.

Who can argue?

They promise stories about the best weddings. I thought they might have gone with Chelsea Clinton, but instead it was a more recent ceremony, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden.

And last but not least, there is a category for dream couples, which right now can't be anybody but Wills'N'Kate.

Most Popular Story of the Week:Kim dating Halle's ex

Publications: Weekly Life & Style, In Touch, Us Weekly, Star
Date: 13 December 2010

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Four different supermarket rags are reporting on the story that Kim Kardashian has been seen on a date with Gabriel Aubry, the male model who was the father of Halle Berry's daughter Nahla. Here are the three short headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Kim Moves In On Halle's Man
• Us Weekly: Kim Dating Halle's Ex
• Star: Kim and Gabriel Aubry, Halle's Jealous

But the last word should go to In Touch, the magazine that decided to give this story the most space on the cover and went with the most juicy details. According to them, Halle is being tormented by Kim, who is flaunting her romance with Gabriel. Kim is quoted as saying "I'll be a great stepmom." A quote from one of Halle's friends is that Halle "doesn't want Nahla around a reality star who's done porn."

Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong.

This story doesn't have the actual man-stealing angle that has made the BrAngelina-Jennifer Aniston story the evergreen gossip feud of the past ten years and the total fame of this trio doesn't equal that threesome. Also, there are fruit flies that have longer lifespans than the average length of a Kim Kardashian romance this year. That said, this could be pound for pound the prettiest love triangle/catfight of all time.

Love Bird Alert™:Halle Berry's new guy

Publication: People
Date: 20 September 2010

People says Halle has found a new guy. They don't mention his name, probably because he isn't one tenth as famous as she is, and this gives me an excuse to post a picture of Ms. Berry without any distracting male getting in the way of important site lines.

Which is good. 'Cause she's purdy.

Late to the Party alert:Halle Berry's split

Publications: People, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, OK!, Us Weekly, Star
Date: 17 May 2010

Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry picked the perfect time to announce their split to scoop the supermarket rags. But did this fact matter to the Only Ten Magazines That Matter?

Oh, hellz no, as we say in Oakland.

There are six headlines about Halle and Gabriel (mostly about Halle) this week. When you consider that the Sun has had only one celebrity headline all year and the Globe and Examiner tend to cater to Hey Old Timer Gossip, it isn't six out of ten, more like six out of seven. Only the National Enquirer missed this story.

They probably couldn't find a nasty enough headline.

Here are the six versions.

• People: Halle's surprise split (Translation: Why didn't she tell us?)
• In Touch: Why Halle left Aubry (Translation: It's his fault!)
• Weekly Life & Style: Halle's heart-breaking split (Translation: It's really his fault!)
• OK!: Why Halle left (Translation: His fault, his fault, his fault.)
• Us Weekly: Halle Split (Translation: We have no new information.)
• Star: Halle dating already (Translation: Not his fault. She's a slut.)

Any questions?

Breaking news:Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry split

Source: Radar Online
Date: 30 Apr. 2010

Radar Online reports that Halle Berry and her boyfriend of five years, Canadian model Gabriel Aubry, have decided to separate. They have a child together, two year old Nalha.

Berry has been married twice and has said she has no plans to marry again.

While Halle Berry is clearly a low flying angel, I have to say this guy is almost as good looking as she is.

Almost.

Bad Mom and Dad Alert™:Celebrity Kids spoiled rotten

Publications: Star, Us Weekly

Date: 29 Mar. 2010

Both Star and Us Weekly have cover stories about the lives of little kids of celebrities. Both magazines include Suri Cruise (pictured above) and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, but the Star also goes after Halle Berry's kid Nahla, Nicole Richie's Harlow, Matthew McConaughey's son Levi and Tori Spelling's daughter Stella.

In a small gesture of believing in privacy for people who aren't in kindergarten yet, the tags I gave are for the parents, not the kids. Little kids should be happy being surprised by friendly dogs, not plastered on the covers of gossip rags. I hope both of these magazines sell poorly enough this week to convince the publishers not to do this again.