Damn You Skinny Alert™ and Problems With Plastic Alert™: Stories about Lindsay Lohan's little sister Ali

Publications: Star, In Touch
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Ali Lohan! Lindsay's little sister works as a model and is only 17, but she's already had a remarkably unnecessary and unattractive plastic surgery and has lost a ridiculous amount of weight.

Another shining testament to the parenting skills of the elder Lohans.

Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Dying to be thin (pictures of Lohan and Taylor Armstrong)
• Star: Ali Lohan plastic surgery scandal
  She's only 17
  

I debated whether the phrase "dying to be thin" should be considered a figure of speech or if Lohan and Armstrong should be put on the tabloid vulture watch. Given how tough a stretch Taylor Armstrong is going through and what a mess the Lohan family is, I decided it should be considered more literal than figurative and used the label Not Long 4 This World (indirect), the lowest level of tabloid death watch. Both probably have long lives in front of them, but adding them to the list is not going to ruin the tabloids' track record, which is very bad indeed. After adding these names, there have been 91 people marked for death in the rags since the beginning of 2010 and only ten of them have died so far.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Obsessed with dieting

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

Yet another grab bag story about female celebrities who are way too skinny, this time from Weekly Life & Style. Here are the particulars.

• Brad begs Angie to eat as the frail star drops to her lowest weight ever
• Delusional Katie: I'm too fat to make it in Hollywood
• Devastated Taylor: barely eating
• LeAnn: Starving to keep her man
• Stars' Dangerous Tricks for Not Feeling Hungry
  
  

We gotta collpser! Taylor Armstrong collapses!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

You might think the supermarket rags would realize that they are an important component in the horrible ecology of reality TV fame and the misery it causes.

Well, they might realize it, but most of them don't give a rat's ass.

One more story about Taylor Armstrong after her estranged husband (and accused wife beater) commits suicide.

And the camera noses in to the tears on her face: Stories about Russell Armstrong's suicide.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly, Globe

Date: 5 Sept. 2011



Half of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter have stories about the suicide death of Russell Armstrong last week. Armstrong was the estranged husband of Taylor Armstrong of the reality TV show The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Here are four of the headlines.

• OK!: Russell's suicide
  
  why he didn't have to die
• Globe: Curse of reality TV
  
  Shows blasted for tearing lives apart
• Weekly Life & Style: Taylor devastated by suicide
  
  The chilling episodes you'll never see
• Us Weekly: Reality suicide
  
  dark secrets exposed
  
  destroyed by their pursuit of fame

Let the record show that these gossip hounds say it's all reality TV's fault, as though the supermarket rags don't rely on reality TV for a large bulk of their stories. (To be fair to the Globe, because their audience skews older, they don't do reality TV gossip as much as the other mags on the list above.) There is one headline I didn't include because it's going to be in the running for Meanest Story of the Week.

Breaking news: Russell Armstrong of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills commits suicide.

Publication: TMZ online

Date: 16 August 2011



TMZ reports that Russell Armstrong, estranged husband of Taylor Armstrong of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills has hung himself. No note has been found.

Taylor Armstrong surgery after husband's brutal beating.

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 15 August 2011



Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!



Most stories about Real Housewife Taylor Armstrong discuss her anorexia. This new story from the Flagship says her husband dislocated her jaw and almost blinded her and she needed surgery to recover.



It should be noted that Russell Armstrong committed suicide just days after this story hit the stands.

Annoying label bookkeeping #15

This is a link to the post above, made necessary by too many labels.

Annoying label bookkeeping #9

Linked to the post above because of too many labels.

Damn You Skinny (or Fat) Alert™:Best and worst winter beach bodies for early May 2011.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 9 May 2011

The Flagship has been doing a lot of beach body covers recently, and while they call them best and worst, most of the cover pictures tend to the worst. The only exception this time around is a flattering picture of Serena Williams that shows off her remarkable butt, if you like that sort of thing. There is a "Guess Who?" of some actress who is enormously fat, but I didn't open the magazine up to find out who. Most of the rest are way too skinny. Here are the headlines.

• Steve Tyler - dude looks like a lady
• Serena Williams - buns of steel
• Kathy Griffin - needs a burger and a tan
• Taylor Armstrong - guess which Housewife?
  
  

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Real Housewife Taylor Armstrong is scary skinny.

Publication: Star
Date: 25 April 2011

I'm guessing Real Housewives are on hiatus or they aren't giving the gossip rags enough payola because this is the first story involving one of their spawn since late February. Instead of being too fat, Taylor Armstrong is outed for being too skinny.

Sounds like a wonderful life.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:More Real Housewives of Beverly Hills crap.

Publication: OK!
Date: 14 February 2011

There are plenty of Real Housewives stories in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter this week, so let us dispose of them quickly.

OK! dishes dirt on four of the Beverly Hills ladies, though as usual the headlines are brief. For sisters Kim and Kyle Richards, there are alcoholism, fights and betrayal.

And that doesn't even mention the bad fashion choices.

There is also a shocking decision for Taylor Armstrong and Camille Grammer.