Missed deadline alert: Michael Douglas is still alive.

Last year, we got two separate expiration dates for Michael Douglas in the gossip rags. One said he would be dead by last January, obviously not true.  There was also a story in the Globe with the big headline NO HOPE FOR MICHAEL DOUGLAS with friends fearing that Thanksgiving 2010 would be his last.

We just had Thanksgiving 2011.  Hope you enjoyed yours as I enjoyed mine.  And special good wishes to Michael Douglas and his family, hoping he has several more to enjoy in the future.

From a fan.

Meanest Story nominee: Michael Douglas marked for death!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Michael Douglas is no stranger to the tabloids saying he's going to die. While he lived through one expiration date earlier this year, he has yet another one coming up at Thanksgiving.

This time it's not the cancer but the Mexican drug cartel, if you can believe it. The Enquirer says his ne'er-do-well son Cameron has ratted on the Mexicans and they are going to come after his family or that's at least what "insiders fear".

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Michael Douglas' NEW cancer shocker.

Publication: Star
Date: 1 August 2011

Michael Douglas' health problems were all over the tabloids late last year, but after several predictions of his imminent demise, one of which came with a deadline that has already passed with the star still alive, the story was pretty much dropped. Now, Star has a grainy telephoto picture of him smoking and these headlines.

• Smoking again and fighting for his life
• Catherine struggles as they run away from it all
  

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

You So Crazy Alert™: More on Catherine Zeta Jones' situation.

Publications: People, National Enquirer, In Touch
Date: 2 May 2011

Once the Enquirer broke the Catherine Zeta-Jones story in print, it was all over the Internet by last week with lots of outlets being much more sympathetic than the biggest of the Wicked Step Sisters. Now three magazines have cover stories and even the Flagship isn't being that mean. Here are the headlines.

• People: Catherine Zeta-Jones Battling Bipolar Disorder
  inside her private struggle
  While husband Michael Douglas fought cancer, the star faced a mental health crisis. "There is no shame in seeking help." she says.
• In Touch: Inside Catherine's private hell
• National Enquirer: How Michael saved Catherine.
  Mental ward drama!
  

Meanest Story nominee:Catherine Zeta-Jones in Psycho Ward!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 25 April 2011

The Flagship has a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week, as usual, but this one has already been confirmed as true. Catherine Zeta-Jones, who is called "Michael Douglas' wife" in the headlines, has been checked in to a mental hospital due to a diagnosis of bi-polar disorder 2. The Enquirer says she has been put in a ward with drug addicts and alcoholics, but since she works in Hollywood, she should feel right at home. (Rimshot! Thank you very much! I'll be here all week! Try the veal!)

UPDATE: Not only has this story been confirmed, but a week later it gets on several covers, so I give the story a belated Scoop of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones' public meltdown.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 14 March 2011

Even the nasty dogs in the AMI kennel agree: killing off Michael Douglas is so 2010. Now, the AMI's Flagship publication, the National Enquirer, has decided it's easier to tell us his marriage is heading for an end.

The cover says they had a nasty fight and public meltdown on Feb. 25 and they have paparazzi pictures to prove it.

This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Missed deadline alert:Michael Douglas is still alive

The mangy dogs in the AMI kennel, including the somewhat independent cur the Star, were absolutely convinced that Michael Douglas would die from cancer and right soon. Three months ago, the Enquirer gave Douglas three months to live. These mags get this stuff wrong a lot, though they are always glad to take credit when they get one right, like Michael Jackson a few years back.

Best wishes to Michael Douglas, his family and friends, from a fan.

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones:Living for the moment.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 24 January 2011

It was late August when Michael Douglas went on Letterman's show and told the world about his throat cancer diagnosis. Just after that, he was on the cover of People. In October, November and even into early December, the mangy curs in the AMI kennel were portraying all the news as bad on a regular basis. This is the first story of 2011 about Michael and his wife Catherine Zeta Jones, and they are still not giving up the idea that the end is nearer than the couple wants to admit. The sub-headlines are:

• Painful secrets behind the smiles
• Doctors deliver emotional news
• What the couple is hiding

As always, best wishes to Michael Douglas, his family and friends, from a fan.

Meanest Story nominee:Pray for Michael Douglas

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 20 December 2010

The low rent Examiner continues the AMI kennel's dogged determination to put Michael Douglas in a casket as soon as can be. They say he needs a wheelchair to get around and that his wife Catherine Zeta Jones is wasting away with worry. Let us recall that another AMI rag the Star had her callously whisking away to play golf in China just last month.

I dislike all the AMI rags on general principle, but I really hate the low rent Examiner this news cycle, which is why they have two nominees for Meanest Story of the Week.

Scoop of the week:People has an exclusive interview with Michael Douglas after his first round of treatment

Publication: People
Date: 13 December 2010

There were a couple of stories mentioned yesterday that could have been Scoop of the Week, but GossipCop shot them both down. With those stories out of the running, it's People who gets the nod with a second interview with Michael Douglas, this one after his first regimen of chemo has been completed. (Note: I don't know if there will be more, but there often are.) The sub-headlines in the story are:

• Michael Douglas: "I feel stronger every day"
• Gaining energy after weeks of grueling treatment, the star heads into the holiday with hope
• "It's a long road back"

Best wishes to Michael Douglas, his family and friends, from a fan.

Meanest Story nominee:Michael Douglas prepares to die

Publication: Globe
Date: 13 December 2010

When the Star admitted that Michael Douglas was gaining weight back after the cancer treatments, I thought this might be an olive branch from the whole AMI kennel and they would stop acting like vultures waiting for him to die.

No such luck.

While the Douglas family puts a positive spin on the admittedly grueling regimen of chemotherapy, the Globe says he is preparing to die. They say he is planning his own funeral, has picked out where he wants to be buried and the well-publicized trip to Disney World was just a front to keep the bad news from his kids.

It's hard to pick my least favorite gossip rag, but the Globe has to be in the running. I should buy a copy one week just to take note of the names of the editors. These people have to die eventually, and if I'm lucky, I'll plan a vacation trip with the express intent of pissing on all of their graves.

Surprisingly nice headline of the week:One of the dogs from the AMI kennel had something nice to say about Michael Douglas

Publication: Star
Date: 29 November 2010

Fresh trash... on Wednesday night? You betcha!

I usually don't start posting headlines until I've seen all of them. The entertaining but always lying Sun and low rent Examiner do not have an online presence, so I wait until Thursday mornings when all the supermarket rags can be found at the great local newsstand DeLauer's in Oakland on Broadway between 13th and 14th Streets. This week, I decided to give all y'all a little sneak peek, because this is hands down the Nicest Story of the Week.

The AMI magazines have been shoveling dirt on Michael Douglas' grave ever since he made the announcement of his throat cancer a few months back. They have left the low rent Examiner out of the constant dirge, instead using the Enquirer, Globe and the usually more independent Star. This week, the Star has the headline "Healing and Hope: Michael Douglas gains 10 Lbs."

The Douglas family has kept the news upbeat since they made the story public, and now even the vicious scavengers at AMI are admitting the guy could very well pull out of this, given the first-rate treatment he is getting.

As always, best wishes to Michael Douglas, his family and friends, from a fan.

*New/old picture of Michael from his Streets of San Francisco days put up as a shout-out to this blog's Numba One fan Karen Zipdrive. He was so pretty back then, even the Comfy Shoe wearing Ms. Zipdrive thought he was a super special dreamboat, just like his dad.

Meanest Story nominee:Michael Douglas collapses

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 22 Nov. 2010

This makes six weeks in a row Michael Douglas' health condition had been a cover story, or at least the morbid version of it pushed by the jackals in the AMI kennel. The Enquirer says there was emergency surgery and Catherine Zeta Jones sobbed, "Please don't die!"

You might recall that the Enquirer's kennel mate the Star said Catherine had abandoned Michael just last week to play golf in China, so maybe someone overheard her sobbing on the practice green.

Meanest Story nominee:Catherine Zeta-Jones abandons Michael to play golf in China

Publication: Star
Date: 15 November 2010

The AMI kennel just can't stop picking on Michael Douglas and his wife, Catherine Zeta Jones. She's gone on a trip to China to play golf. They construe this as abandonment.

Since the Douglas family is keeping a positive view of things, it might also be construed as two people living their lives as they would normally.

Best wishes to Michael, Catherine, their family and friends, from a fan.

Meanest Story nominee:Michael Douglas has three months to live

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 8 November 2010

Previously, the Globe said this would be Michael Douglas' last Thanksgiving, which put him on the Expiration Date list. Now, the Enquirer gives him three months to live, which moves the time table up. The Star, Globe and Enquirer have been taking turns beating up on Michael and his wife Catherine Zeta Jones, who is said to be keeping secrets from him in this headline.

Best wishes to Michael Douglas, his family and friends, from a fan.

Meanest Story nominee:Kirk Douglas collapses at Michael's bad news

Publication: Globe
Date: 8 November 2010

This week's Meanest Story contest is all about Brave Last Days alert. Technically, the Globe does not say Kirk Douglas is dying on the cover of their magazine, but they do say it on the front page of their website, so that counts.

Best wishes to Kirk Douglas, his friends and family, from a fan.

Brave Last Days Alert and Love Bird Alert:Michael Douglas' parting gifts for Catherine Zeta-Jones

Publication: Star
Date: 1 November 2010

The AMI kennel is still trying to kill Michael Douglas off. This week in the Star, Michael Douglas is giving Catherine Zeta-Jones good-bye presents of a new house and a new child.

Best wishes to Mr. Douglas, his family and friends, from a fan.

Meanest Story nominee:Michael Douglas feeding tube nightmare

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 1 November 2010

You might say that right thinking people are hoping for the best for Michael Douglas in his struggle against cancer, but obviously, editors at American Media, Inc. do not count as right thinking people. The story this week is that he weighs 145 lbs., had some sort of feeding tube nightmare and Catherine Zeta-Jones had a breakdown.

Stay classy, Flagship!

Michael Douglas changes his will

Publication: Star
Date: 25 October 2010

The Star continues with their campaign to wish the worst for Michael Douglas. Last week they said Douglas and his wife Catherine Zeta Jones were saying goodbye. This week they say he changed his will and use the phrase "last wishes".

This story could be true and it still wouldn't mean Michael Douglas isn't going to beat this thing. A lot of people faced with a situation that involves serious risk give new thoughts to their will, then they beat the odds. On the Letterman show, Douglas said the doctors gave him odds of 80% to beat this. Those sound pretty good.

Best wishes once again to Michael Douglas, his family and friends, from a fan.

Meanest Story nominee:No hope for Michael Douglas

Publications: Globe, Star
Date: 18 October 2010

The entire AMI kennel has decided to jump on the "we want Michael Douglas to die" bandwagon. The Globe goes with the big headline NO HOPE and says friends think this will be his last Thanksgiving, which is not just a Brave Last Days alert but an expiration date. The Star says Michael and his wife Catherine Zeta Jones are saying goodbye.

This blog wishes Mr. Douglas and his family all the best. If it's any consolation, the tabloids have a bad track record of success with these predictions, and none of the people with expiration dates assigned have actually expired.