Aretha's lost love.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 11 July 2011

The low rent Examiner says Miss Aretha Franklin has a lost love. Given that she is pushing 70, it would be almost impossible for her NOT to have a lost love at least once in her life. While this can't count as a positive story, at least the vultures of the press are not telling us she is near death, which is good news for everybody.

Missed deadline alert: Miss Aretha Franklin is still alive.

Six months ago, the National Enquirer started one of their scummy vendettas against Miss Aretha Franklin, quoting a "family insider" that she had pancreatic cancer, a report she steadfastly denies. They said she had six months to live. It's six months later, and the Queen of Soul is still alive and considerably thinner, which is a good thing.

Best wishes to the Queen of Soul, Miss Aretha Franklin, her family and friends, from a devoted fan.

Damn You Skinnier Alert™: Aretha loses 85 pounds in five months.

Publication: People
Date: 2 May 2011

Until now, all stories about Miss Aretha Franklin have been in the National Enquirer, and none of them were good. Now, Miss Aretha gets a story in People where she says she's healthy and she's lost 85 pounds.

In December, there were several news organizations who went with the story that Aretha had pancreatic cancer. She denies it and I'm inclined to take her at her word, though I'm just your standard consumer of news, so I have no special insights into who is telling the truth in this case.

In any case, best wishes to Miss Franklin, her family and friends, from a fan.

Hospitalization alert: More surgery for Miss Aretha Franklin

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 28 February 2011

I suppose it counts as some sign of morbid respect that all the bad stories about Miss Aretha Franklin have been in the Enquirer and they haven't shopped them out to the less "prestigious" Wicked Step Sisters, the Globe and the Examiner. In any case, this week they only say that the Queen of Soul needs more surgery, not that she is closer to death.

Best wishes to Miss Aretha Franklin, her family and friends, from a fan.

Meanest Story nominee:Aretha's $180,000 farewell party

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 27 January 2011

Every story so far about Miss Aretha Franklin since the announcement of her diagnosis with cancer has been in the Enquirer, and in all of them, the writers at that rag are trying to kill her off. So now, if she throws a party, it's a farewell party according to the Flagship.

The vultures over at the Enquirer have finally worn down my last good nerve on this one, the Queen of Soul will now be referred to as Miss Aretha Franklin on this blog, which means I am not interested in anything bad said about her. This also gets a nomination as Meanest Story of the Week.

Co-Meanest Story of the Week:Aretha collapses after losing 80 lbs.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 10 January 2011

This week, I put up five nominees for Meanest Story from five different gossip rags. The popular vote winner was a story from the Enquirer about John Travolta deserting his family. There was another story on the cover of The Flagship every bit as mean if not meaner, and I decided to invoke the "it's my blog" rule and make it Co-Meanest Story of the Week.

The Enquirer tells us that Aretha Franklin has collapsed after losing 80 pounds and a minister was called in. Obviously, Aretha is getting the full tabloid vulture treatment now and I really hate it. It's not a rumor she had pancreatic cancer, it's a fact. But either the Enquirer is making up details of her life out of whole cloth or she has somebody close to her who is selling her out for a few measly bucks at the most difficult time of her life.

Either way, it deserves to be a Meanest Story.

Meanest Story nominee:Aretha's deathbed wedding

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 27 December 2010

The Flagship has found someone new to hound, Lady Soul herself, Aretha Franklin. Again they say she is near death but this time, she is also getting married, kind of a going away present.

Ms. Franklin has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, so the prognosis is grim. The Enquirer is pushing this story that she is going to die so they can crow "I told you so" if it does happen, and everyone can be amazed at their clairvoyance. With just a few weeks left in 2010, six people slated for death by the tabloids this year have in fact died this calendar year. Before you marvel at their morbid skill, it should be noted that they have predicted death for 65 people total, which means their number of correct predictions in a timely fashion is less than 10%.

Meanest Story nominee:Aretha Franklin has six months to live!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 20 December 2010

The National Enquirer prints a true story, the sad news that the Queen of Soul has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Of course, that isn't enough for the Flagship, who says the great singer has only six months to live. For a more measured diagnosis, you read this story in the Los Angeles Times online.

Best wishes to Miss Franklin, her family and friends, from a fan.

Damn You Skinny (or Fat) Alert™:Hollywood's deadliest diets

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 20 September 2010

The Flagship give most of the cover this week to famous people with weight problems. There is a "guess who" picture of someone too fat, a picture of Aretha Franklin, who they say is 300 lbs., a number which is currently sadly believable, and everyone else mentioned is too skinny. They call Tori Spelling scary skinny and give numbers to all the other pictures. Tara Reid is 95 lbs., Elin Nordegren is 110 pounds, Nicole Richie is 83 pounds and Mary Kate Olson is 86 lbs.

The picture above is not of any of the mentioned celebrities. It's of Nicky Hilton a few years back.