On the Rocks Alert:Bristol done with Levi

Publication: People
Date: 19 August 2010

The Gold Standard says Bristol and Levi are through, so I guess it's true until Bristol changes her mind again. We had such high hopes for young Mr. Johnston being a thorn in his mother-in-law's side for years to come, but I guess we will just have to hope she can find enough aggravation meeting with the general public.

Here's hopin', you betcha!

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Sarah's new reason to hate young Mr. Levi

Publications: National Enquirer, National Examiner
Date: 9 August 2010

When Sarah Palin first busted loose on the national scene, I thought "Here is a family tailor made for reality TV and the tabloids." It's taken a while, but order has been restored to the universe, and Sister Sarah is now a twinkling star in the trailer trash galaxy.

The Enquirer goes with the headline "BRISTOL PALIN BETRAYED!" Their story, and they are sticking to it for the time being, is Levi Johnston liked being a baby daddy so much, he did it with somebody else. That's the gospel truth, if you can trust The Flagship.

News flash: In general, you can't trust The Flagship.

The Examiner headline reads "Sex Scandal Rocks Sarah Palin". It's vague and it might be about something else, but the Examiner is always picking up scraps left behind by the bigger Wicked Step Sister tabs, so I'm assuming this is their less interesting version of the same story.

I know in my heart of hearts that Levi Johnston is probably not the good guy, but just because he irritates Caribou Barbie so much, I find myself rooting for him. Don't you? I mean, there is no embarrassing Sarah. She has that level of stupid that is almost a super power, so stupid she doesn't even get that she's stupid. But she does have enough brain cells to hold a grudge, and I'm pretty sure Levi has enough, too. Any little thing that makes her life a living hell is okay in my book.

Love Bird Alert™:What somebody's mom said

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 2 August 2010

The headline under a picture of self-professed "fuckin' redneck" Levi Johnston and his baby mama Bristol Palin simply reads "What My Mom Said".

Okay, let me get all Strunk & White on the asses of the headline writers at Us Weekly. Both these people have moms, right?

I would expect Levi's mom to say something like, "Can you wait until I don't have the ankle bracelet anymore? I don't have any ensemble that goes with it."

I don't expect the other mom to be quite as negotiable.

Just sayin'.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™:Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are engaged... again.

Publications: Us Weekly, People
Date: 26 July 2010

When I started this blog back in January, I had different rules as to what was a story I would mention. Bristol and Sarah Palin were on the cover of In Touch with their babies, and I ignored it. This week, Bristol is on two covers, one of them allegedly exclusive.

People has a small picture of Bristol and Levi Johnston together with the headline "Bristol Taking Levi Back (Exclusive)".

Us Weekly devotes the entire cover to Bristol, Levi and their kid, who looks really cute, stating that the couple is getting married. There is also a quote from Bristol, "I hope my mom will accept us."

Hope all you like, sweetie. Nothing gets the parental units back on your side faster than finding out about your engagement to the bane of her existence in a national publication.

While People does better work in general than Us Weekly, this is obviously a huge win for the smaller publication and one of the biggest scoops for a supermarket rag this year, ranking up with People's introduction of Louis Bardo Bullock back in May.

Best wishes to the happy couple, and here's hoping Levi remains faithful to his wife and baby and remains a painful thorn in his mother in law's side.