On the rocks alert: Katy betrayed by Russell.

Publication: In Touch

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

 

Katy Perry and Russell Brand got married last November in India.  Since then, every story about them has claimed their marriage is in trouble, the most recent was last August.

For those of you keeping track at home, their marriage has lasted at least five times as long as the Kardashian-Humphries wedding and is well on its way to six times as long.

On the rocks alert: Katy Perry divorce drama

Publication: Star

Date: 5 Sept. 2011



According to Star, recently wed Katy Perry and Russell Brand are going through a rough patch. The magazine promises to tell "the truth about Russell & blonde".



This is probably my least favorite couple outside of some reality TV pairings. To me she represents what's wrong with the music industry and he represents what's wrong with humanity.

On the rocks alert: Marriages explode!

Publication: Star
Date: 19 July 2011

The Star has stories of three celebrity marriages in trouble taking up most of the cover this week. Here are the headlines.


Katy Perry pain: Living apart from Russell After Only 8 months


Shock for Demi Moore: Ashton's Night With Nude Model


Ben Affleck Busted: His Boozing, Lies & Gambling - Jen Garner's Fury

Welcome to gossip hell 2011, Jen Garner! This is the first mention of her in a year and a half, and the first mention of Ben Affleck in 2011.

Celebrity BFFs: Rihanna and Katy Perry

Publication: People
Date: 7 March 2011

People lets us know that singers Rihanna and Katy Perry are close gal pals. These kinds of stories are fairly rare. I've now used the BFF alert twice in 14 months, while the Fussin' and Feudin' Alert has been trotted out 93 times over the same period.

It's all about the drama, isn't it?

On the rocks alert: Katy Perry and Russell Brand in couples' therapy after three months of marriage.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 21 February 2011

In the same week the Star said that Chelsea Clinton's marriage is over, Weekly Life & Style says newlyweds Katy Perry and Russell Brand are now seeing a marriage counselor. I did not consider this a Meanest Story nominee because:

1. Counseling works sometimes and
2. I've seen him in movies and I've heard her sing and I don't care even a little bit about either of their careers.

Bells Done Rung™ Alert:Inside the wild ceremony of Russell Brand and Katy Perry

Publication: OK!
Date: 8 November 2010

Russell Brand and Katy Perry got married in an elaborate ceremony in India. Some might guess they did it that way to avoid coverage in the British and American gossip rags because it would be too expensive to send a reporter all the way to India to cover such minor celebrities.

If that was their plan, it worked to perfection. Only one mention on gossip rag covers.

Bells are Ringing Alert™:Katy Perry's dream wedding

Publication: In Touch
Date: 11 October 2010

Fresh trash delivered tomorrow! Last of this week's trash... right now!

Katy Perry, yet another pop star with an unremarkable voice and very perky breasts, is getting married to Russell Brand. They are going to India and they are making a very big fuss, a wedding party that will last six days.

Best wishes to the happy couple.

Katy Perry's secret pageant past

Publication: In Touch
Date: 6 Sept. 2010

Pop star Katy Perry has a new album out and she also has her first mention on the cover of the supermarket rags this year. Her grandma sent her a picture from when Katy was in one of those little kid beauty pageants many years ago and In Touch tells us it's a secret.

When the person in question tweets some fact about her life, I'd say you can no longer call it secret.

Katy is several years older than Jonbenet Ramsey would be if she lived, so you have to assume Katy was involved in this weird activity back when it was just vaguely creepy instead of vomit inducing.