Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 8 Mar. 2010
If we are to believe the Weekly World News, (and what person of faith doesn't?) the Church (denomination unspecified on the cover) will soon make saints of Michael Jackson, Princess Diana Spencer and Elvis Presley.
With all due respect to my pal Padre Mickey, the line-up of saints as it currently stands is boring and the Church will wither unless it adds some zazz.
I mean seriously, Cyril and Methodius? St. Scholastica? A feast day for the Martyrs of Japan?
These people were never even on TV. They were so broke ass, I bet none of them even owned a TV! How can you expect a modern audience to get behind stuff like this?
God bless St. Jacko, St. Di and St. Elvis, and bless us all in their holy names and holy blood.
And most especially, God bless the Weekly World News. As soon as the editors realize that no one wants to hear any more about the World's Fattest Cat, they will go back to being the absolute best of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter.